The Alabama House of Representatives approved a bill on Tuesday that would allow the sale of “Gourmet Beers” that contain higher levels of alcohol than currently allowed by law. A group of beer enthusiasts calling themselves Free the Hops lobbied for the change, saying that without such a law, Alabamians would only be allowed to buy cheap, tasteless beers in the state.

Under the new bill, which passed by a slim margin of 48-42 in the House, beers with an alcohol content up to 13.9% could be legally sold in Alabama. Supporters of the bill say that such beers are sold in most states, and that making such beers available in Alabama would be good for state tourism. Opponents claim that the bill would kill Alabama’s children:

“We are killing our young people,” Rep. Richard Laird, D-Roanoke, said.

Arguments like this completely miss the point. Critics suggest that kids will “find a way” to drink the more expensive beers if they’re available, all the while ignoring the fact that kids don’t need beer to escape their pathetic, angst-ridden lives anyway. Instead of worrying about underage drinkers beer preferences, our lawmakers should try to remedy the social forces that drive children to drink in the first place, while improving enforcement of existing laws against underage drinking.

Beer drinking is not only legal in all 50 states, it’s a celebrated part of our culture as well as a booming industry. Underage drinking is already illegal, so increasing the menu of beers that the underaged cannot choose from shouldn’t have a large impact on underage drinking rates. Instead, providing good beer in Alabama improves the choices available to law-abiding patriotic beer drinkers throughout Alabama.

You know who you are, representative Laird.

Don’t get me wrong – I abhor drug use of any kind. Coffee, well … That’s another issue entirely. It’s the only legal way there is to get 32 hours of work done in a day. Rise and shine, kiddies, time to hack some strong crypto.

I once tried to go an entire month without any form of caffeine. I became tepid and sluglike. I was inert, without energy, and my mind moved at hypoglacial speeds. There was no spark, no witty reparte’, nothing.

Some of my former employees claimed to have liked me better during that month. They said I had a newfound Type-B personality and that I could probably begin to appreciate email greeting cards and and feng shui. When I got back on the brew I saw them for the completely doless slackers that they were, so I fired them.

Of course, I bought each of my remaining employees 10 pounds of primo Jamacian Blue Mountan. Productivity is up 22% and the smell of profit is in the air. Yessiree. I Love Coffee.