The Smug Baldy Speaks

Wired and a couple other sites have picked up on insurance.com’s list of the 10 most dangerous foods to eat while driving.

1. Coffee. It’s hot. It can spill. That’s bad. That said, we’re guilty of this. So are you. Admit it.
2. Hot soup. It’s hot. It can spill. That’s bad.
3. Tacos. Very messy.
4. Chili. It’s hot. It can spill. That’s bad. And it’s very messy.
5. Hamburgers. Greasy hands and a steering wheel do not mix.
6. Barbecued food. Um, that should go without saying.
7. Fried chicken. You think burgers are greasy?
8. Jelly or cream-filled donuts. Ever bitten into one and not had it squirt all over the place?
9. Soft drinks. Big threat of spillage, says Insurance.com, and unacceptable risk of “fizz up your nose.” Huh?
10. Chocolate. It melts on your fingers, which makes a mess on the steering wheel.

You can tell this comes from an insurance list. How? Because it’s BORING. It’s also wrong. Who the hell eats coffee or soft drinks? Nobody. I suppose eating coffee while driving is dangerous since the coffee has to solidify, and this either requires dangerously low temperatures or such a long period of time that you’ll fall asleep at the wheel. Ironically, that’s a danger that you could avoid if you just drank the coffee in the first place.

We’ve come up with our own list of dangerous foods. I think you can agree, these are probably much more dangerous to eat while driving than those listed above.

10. Spam. You really need 2 hands to open the can, unless you want to slice a finger and bleed to death. Either way, you die.
9. Raw Oysters. Again – you ever try shucking with one hand? Can’t be done.
8. Fresh Main Lobster. These are dangerous enough when seated at the table. Clarified butter makes these a lethal driving delicacy.
7. Chitterlings. Anything made from intestine is dangerous to begin with. Add the amount of tabasco reuired to force down chitlins, and you’re begging to wipe out.
6. Apple Jacks Cereal. By itself, these aren’t too dangerous. The tune lock you’ll suffer from the Apple Jacks jingle will have you looking for a tree to plow into.
5. Outback Steakhouse Aussie Cheese Fries. Just don’t eat these while driving. You will die of a coronary, and probably crash into a busload of nuns.
4. A jar of mayonnaise. Extra danger points if you lick the spoon.
3. Fresh Sea Urchin. You’ll probably stab yourself to death trying to get to the tasty bits.
2. Molten Lava Cakes. Don’t let Paula Dean fool you. The original recipe calls for real molten lava. Can it get any more dangerous?
1. Yes it can: Pork Brains in Milk Gravy. The real danger here is that you’ll probably kill yourself to get the taste out of your mouth.