The Smug Baldy Speaks

If you’re like me, you love coffee. There’s nothing quite like the electric jolt that you get after pounding back that 4th cup of Guatamalan at 5 AM. Mmmm. Makes the whole world look different – brighter and happier – almost as if it were an illegal drug.

Don’t get me wrong – I abhor drug use of any kind. Coffee, well … That’s another issue entirely. It’s the only legal way there is to get 32 hours of work done in a day. Rise and shine, kiddies, time to hack some strong crypto.

I once tried to go an entire month without any form of caffeine. I became tepid and sluglike. I was inert, without energy, and my mind moved at hypoglacial speeds. There was no spark, no witty reparte’, nothing.

Some of my former employees claimed to have liked me better during that month. They said I had a newfound Type-B personality and that I could probably begin to appreciate email greeting cards and and feng shui. When I got back on the brew I saw them for the completely doless slackers that they were, so I fired them.

Of course, I bought each of my remaining employees 10 pounds of primo Jamacian Blue Mountan. Productivity is up 22% and the smell of profit is in the air. Yessiree. I Love Coffee.