The Smug Baldy Speaks

In this article at newyorkmetro.com, pundits are asked how Paris Hilton, the tow-headed, uber-rich, 22 year-old socialite who appears en flagrante delicto on a tape circulating the net can possibly salvage her image. Wait a minute. Who are they talking about? She has an image that needs salvaging? What the hell are people thinking? Maybe the real scandal is not whether she appears on tape having sex, but why in an world so saturated with meaningless titilation we should even care in the first place. “Hey guys, some hot 22 year-old is having sex on this video the web.” Really? That’s a first.
I know – her close friends will probably say she’s completely sweet and innocent, and that she’s a victim in all of this. They may be right, but as a wise man once said, “She might not be a slut, but she certainly wears a slut’s uniform.”

Now, I don’t live in a cave, and I’m no stranger to weird things on the net, but I was unfamiliar with this “Paris Hilton” everyone was suddenly talking about. So, I do what about a bazillion other people do – I google “Paris Hilton”. Hmmm… here she is at he 21st birthday party wearing a cocktail napkin and a thong. Here she is on about twenty thousand porno sites. Here she is buying a nightclub in London. When her sister, Nikki Hilton, described Paris, she said, “There`s just one thing to say about us ‘We`re young and sinfully georgeous with multimillion-dollar trust funds!’ And we love to be photographed!!! ”

That’s 3 exclamation points, not a typo. And anyway, isn’t that like 4 things? One thing that can be said for the benefits of a public rather than a private education – we learn how to count to ONE!

Obviously, I was wrong before: Paris doesn’t really wear a slut’s uniform. That’s for the hired help. She’s more like the sweet young princess of the kingdom of Slutvania, wearing her royal, albiet skimpy, vestments.

All of that’s really beside the point, which is: This is probably the most horrendous thing that has ever happened to Paris in her short, well pampered life. She’s upset. Someone, please fly this wounded debutante someplace special where can come to terms with the trauma of her real web Coming Out event until the wee hours. My heart bleeds for her given the knowledge of the first impression she’s made on so many of us.

But honestly – it doesn’t matter because when it’s all over – she’ll still be richer and prettier than everyone I’ve ever met combined, and this scandal won’t even any sort of universal scales. In fact, it’s likely this was just a ploy to garner street cred and name recognition for Paris’ upcoming network television debut, which apparently is titled something like, “Paris pretends – and fails – to do something meaningful on a farm” Someone should just smack her anyway for good measure.